Thursday, March 30, 2006
Well...a few days have past, and I must say, Im a lot better now. At least I don't feel like taking a gun to my head anymore. Been doing a lot of thinking (which can be dangerous at times) but I finally realized (at least for now) that I'm not a lost cause, and there is hope for me. I shouldn't have been so closed minded with this whole situation. I mean, I think Dom was a little closed minded in a certain light, but that doesn't mean I should have been too. He still likes me, we're still friends, and I'm very greatful I was able to go out with him while it lasted. At least I've still got him as a friend and theres no bad blood between us. Thats all that really matters. We had a conversation online yesterday and it was great. We were laughing and joking around again. I was really happy at that. I've been trying really hard to get out and meet people. I'll be starting my new job soon, and I'm sure theres tons of great people working there too (including scott ^_^) to make friends with.
I went and had my taxes done today. Im getting 220 dollars back ^_^ yahoo!!...but because of that I had to miss my haircut appointment. The guy that was doing them was really slow and it took a lot longer then I expected. but I re-scheduled so its all good.
Today was such a gorgeous day. Unbelieveable. Spring is finally here!!! I went out and did some errands because I finally had my car. Also went to Borders and bought "RENT" on DVD.
Also, I went up to the mall with Kristin yesterday so she could meet Cat. And I think Cat wants to hire her. ^_^. Was good to see Kristin again too ^_^ some chill time is definatly in order for us. :)
Been reading a really good book. Called "The Umbrella Man" by Roald Dahl. I found it at the Express when i was working there and I had never heard of it before. But It's really good!! Its a bunch of short stories. I highly reccomend it.
Me and my dad went up to Pizza World for dinner last night, and went to Strawberries after. Picked up some CD's...lol. I got Janis Joplin's greatest hits, Robert Plant- Fate of Nations, and Fastball- The Harsh Light of Day. Been meaning to get the fastball CD for FOREVER. I have their older one and it's really good. I remember seeing them in concert with Sugar Ray and the Goo Goo Dolls. wow. lol, that was a long time ago.
Cat was aparently my secret santa. She gave me my present yesterday. Its a book called "Elvis Presley- unseen archives". SOOOO AWESOME. Im definatly reading that cover to cover.
Anywhoo...im gonna go grab some dinner. L8r all!
posted by Lauren 3/30/2006 06:08:00 PM
Sunday, March 26, 2006
*sigh* Well, more good news is I feel a whole hell of a lot better. I went and saw Dom last night after he got out of work to give him his graduation present and what-not. I felt totally weird. Felt like crying the second I saw him. I just wanted to be in his arms again. I'll never forget that feeling. But anyways, Yeah, I guess he really liked it. I'm glad..that would have been aweful if he didn't. But when I got home I totally fucking lost it once again. But I talked to him and tried to work things out. I just hope he's not mad at me or anything. I feel bad for acting like a little fucking loser. But I just couldn't help it. I really wish things were different and we were still together. But I guess I've got to get out there more and try to meet new people. I really wanna go back to Disney again. At least there I could go to the clubs or whatever. I'm just so mad at myself that Im acting like such a dipshit. *sigh* Ya know what sucks? while I was working at the Calendar kiosk over the holidays, some guy asked me for my number. lol. Guess I should have given it to him anyways. LOL. Nah, thats definatly not me.
But, regardless, I do feel a lot better. I'm definatly starting to come around.
Tonight me and my work people took James out for dinner at Olive Garden. It was a ton of fun. James is going back to the Phillipines for a month. I'm gonna miss him so much!!!!
Well yeah, looks like me and Scott will be working together :). Should be cool. My main goal is to really open up and talk to people. I want some new friends really badly.
Tomorrow I'm bringing Kristin into my store and letting her meet Cat. Yeah, I'm recomending her to replace me ^_^. lol. I think she'd get along fine there. I really do. :)
I think im gonna go read for a bit...l8r :)
Damn, i really need to change this freakin' layout. its so out of date.
posted by Lauren 3/26/2006 09:08:00 PM
Saturday, March 25, 2006
Well, the good news is I didn't have to slit my own wrists because my damn cat did that for me....freaking spaz.
Anywhoo. I got the job at Borders. :) And I gave Cat my two-weeks notice today. I'm extremely happy about it.
Yesterday would have been six months for me and Dom. I can't fucking take this shit anymore. Yes, I'm happy that I got my job. But honestly, no job or any amount of anything could make me as happy as Dom made me. And I'm growing to realize it more and more each day we've been broken up. I can't take this anymore. I'm such a wreck. I miss him more then words can even remotely describe. I just...I don't know. I'm starting to doubt everything about myself and any hope of ever finding anyone again. I just feel like I'm gonna be alone my entire life. Wouldn't surprise me in the slightest. I hate this crap. I hate my life so much. If a simple person like him can't love me, who else is going to? Nobody. That was my answer exactly. I just miss him so much its unbelieveable. I really..i just don't wanna live anymore. I have nothing to live for but bullshit.
posted by Lauren 3/25/2006 06:48:00 PM
Tuesday, March 21, 2006
I thought I was going to see a light...but aparently, the bulb burnt out.
Last night I had another total breakdown. OMG, it was worse than ever. I was crying so much and so hard I actually had to gasp for air. I was crying and crying and crying and praying for someone or something to just take my life. Finally after about an hour of going on like that, I finally seriously felt like I was going to have a heart attack if I didn't calm myself down. I was so out of line it wasn't even a normal issue anymore. I'm thanking God my dad wasn't home last night. I might be in a straitjacket by now in the looney bin. I just walked around my house just taking deep breaths. I finally managed to bring myself to a reasonable state of "normal". As normal as I could possibly be in this situation. I've since removed every sharp object from my room. Scissors, my pocket knife, and even my nail clippers. ANYTHING that I could potentially use to harm myself is now in a box in a closet in my basement. I don't know what I've turned into. A few weeks ago everything was decent. I was getting job interviews, I was feeling pretty good, and most importantly, I had a boyfriend. A boyfriend who loved me and cared about me, and who I was looking forward to celebrating a 6-month relationship with. But now I'm just a depressed piece of shit with nothing to look forward to. I've just been doing things and saying things and thinking things that I never in my life thought I would ever do. I can't even describe how aweful it is. Last night was definatly the worst night of my life. I finally decided that I really needed to unwind. And when one needs to unwind, whats the first thing you think of?......Alcohol. Yeah, I had a drink last night. Nothing highly intoxicating, but enough to help me relax. I just took some lemonade and threw in a shot of Stoli Razz. So yeah, had that while watching a Jay Leno repeat from like last week where Simon Cowell just so happend to be on. So, needless to say, Alcohol and Jay Leno is a pretty sweet combination. I FINALLY got to bed around 3:30. Hardly slept a wink before my cat woke me up around 6:30-7 to be fed. Then I fell back asleep untill around 10:30 when my mom called me. So my total number of sleep was probably in the 5-6 hour range. No where near enough for me. But I guess It was worth it to feel better.
Today was pretty relaxing. I took a really long walk today..well, not really long...not like that time me and Kristin walked across town, but yeah, anywhoo. I walked up to first the mall to get cash at the bank, thenover to Best Buy to pick of the Mind of Mencia season 1 DVD's that came out today...the over and got a sandwhich at d'angelo's...then walked home. I can't wait to start walking more often now that the weather is getting nicer. Walking really helped me relax today. As far as my emotions go, I'm still feeling pretty miserable, but at least I'm not stressing out anymore and my temper and everything is under control.
If I failed to mention this before, my dad got a new job....Buick/pontiac dealership in Manchester. He starts selling tomorrow. Looks like I'm gonna be on my own a lot more too. Because he's working till 8 most nights and he said he'd probably be spending a lot of time at Denise's because her house is really close to there.
UGH..anywhoo, I think It's time to attempt to get some sleep. Goodnight everyone.
posted by Lauren 3/21/2006 11:24:00 PM
Sunday, March 19, 2006
Oh Lordy. When will all this shit end? When will I be able to live normally again without all this bullshit? My guess is, not any time soon.
I'm so freakin sick of being miserable. I just want my mind to stop for a while. I will admit, things have been better this weekend. I don't think I've cried once..which is a good sign. Seeing my eyes would probably fall out if I did. I did talk to Dom for a little while on Friday when I was totally hysterical..I sent him a message and he called me. He did say some things that helped me a lot. Including that breaking up with me was really hard. Which made me feel better because at least now I know he didn't just drop me like a bad habbit. I also talked to Tina last night and she told me that its good that we're still friends, and to take things slow like that and if it was meant to be, it was meant to be., and if it's not, it's not. The main thing is that no matter how miserable and sad and shitty I get, I have to remember that everything will eventually be okay. I do have to keep telling myself that. I guess its time to really take a look at my life and make some changes. I can't keep being unhappy and miserable and crying all the time. That's not going to do anyone any good.
The problem is my mind is constantly going. Like how awkword things are going to be when/if I see him again. And what I'm supposed to say or not say, or how I'm supposed to act or not act. Thats probably the hardest thing of all. I don't really know how to approach this. We agreed that We're going to take a break from seeing each other for a little while to get our heads in order. I guess thats a good idea. Maybe it'll give me some time to stop being so pathetic and baby-like. Dom did tell me something else that made a lot of sense...he said that this is probably extremely hard for me mainly because it's never happened to me before, so I really didn't know what to expect.
well anywhoo...
Work was kinda sucky today. I hate working Sundays. In fact, I actually smartened up for once and just wrote Cat a note today asking for every Sunday off next month. I can't take it anymore...I need a frickin' break (assuming I'm still there).
*sigh*....well, I don't really know what else to talk about...without sounding pathetic that is. so, later all.
posted by Lauren 3/19/2006 06:32:00 PM
Friday, March 17, 2006
Friday night......yup. Just another night for the lonely. This is probably the first night in six months that I've had absolutly NO plans. Not that I would be doing anything tonight anyways because Dom is in New York still. I can't take this anymore. I've been crying for the past 3 days straight. So much that my eyes hurt. At least I finaly got myself eating normally again...I only ate a bagel in the morning on Wednesday and didn't eat anything untill Thursday night. I just couldn't..my stomach felt too sick. I just don't know what to do. I'm so lost and confused and crazy. I mean, granted, I never expected us to be together forever. I just didn't expect it to end now. I thought we'd be together for atleast a little bit longer. Not that it would have been any easier later. I know where he's coming from and I understand why he broke up with me. But still, I just can't take it. I love him so much and I just don't know what to do. I know we could have made things work for a little bit longer, but he didn't seem to think so. He's the only person who really appreciated me and had full faith in me. He loved me for who I am and not who society says a girl should be like. He made me feel great. Everything he said to me just made me so incredibly happy. I have the cards he gave me on the shelf above my bed...I've read them so many times. Just the sweetest things anyone has ever said to me. I can't believe how crazy I went when everything happend. I was threatening to do things I never thought I would even dream about doing. To the point where I was scared for myself. I'm trying to get myself back in better shape emotionally again but its so freaking hard. Everywhere I go, everything I do I can somehow relate to him. When I walked by the IHop where we would go almost every Friday night...going to the movies today with my dad..I even went in the basement because thats pretty much my hideout where nobody bothers me, and as soon as I walked down there I saw my matress on the floor with the sleeping bags that me and him would lie down and cuddle and watch movies together and I just burst into tears. I can't watch the new Harry Potter movie because we saw that together and he bought me the movie and I cry when I think about that. I can't listen to Elvis or John Stevens because Elvis makes me think of the tins and the picture that he got me, and all of John Stevens songs are about love and breaking up. I can't even put on my damn heater at night without thinking of him because he got it for me. My dad got flowers for the table, which makes me think of the flowers that Dom got me because thats where they were. I'm just a wreck to put it nicely. I don't know where to go or who to turn to. I don't know what to believe out of anyone anymore. I just don't know what to do with my life. I've hit rock bottom with this situation. I had a decent talk with him last night which I had hoped would be on a more civil thing the Aol instant messanger. Like the phone for example so I could really say what I wanted to. But oh well. I definatly need to talk to him again. But I'll obviously wait untill after he gets back from New York....I don't wanna ruin his trip anymore then I already have. OMG Im so lost and hopeless. If anyone has any spare time, I could really use someone to talk to. Obviously only if I know you however...So, if you do know me, I would appreciate it if you would call me or IM me. This is probably the worst I've ever felt and I really need support right now. I don't wanna sound like a loser begging for sympathy, but I just don't know what else to do. Thanks all.
posted by Lauren 3/17/2006 08:49:00 PM
Thursday, March 16, 2006
Remember how in my last post I said I was feeling pretty good? Remember how in the one before that I said I was really happy and Me and Dom were soon celebrating our 6th month anniversary?!? Yeah, Horrible fucking irony there. Yesterday Dom broke up with me. I don't even know where to begin about the whole thing. I can't describe how I feel, or how I don't feel. I was in bed crying for the majority of the night. Totalling about 14 hours. Only getting up for a half hour to watch American Idol. This is just beyond horrible. I have to look at this balloon that says "I love you" and just have it laugh at me. My dad has been in and out of my room trying to cheer me up and offering to talk. But I just can't talk long enough. My dad was shocked as well. He said that time we saw him a few days ago he seemed so happy. I don't get it. I dont understand where I went wrong. I put everything I have into this and I just get punched right back in the face. Every time I get my hopes up. Every time something good happens to me I finally get the feeling that things are actually going to be alright for once. Every time I fall for it. I don't understand it. What did I ever do to anyone?!?!? Am all I good for is a bunch of flings like I had before I went out with Dom?!?!??!?? Im still praying that this is all a dream. I'm gonna wake up eventually and everything is gonna be fine. Oh yeah....how can I wake up if I'm already dead inside?
I should have seen it. Before he left for New York I knew there was something wrong. He was just not himself. He didn't even say he would miss me before he left.
Well, thats all folks. Being doomed is a horrible thing. I pray that none of you get stuck in my situation.
posted by Lauren 3/16/2006 10:29:00 AM
Monday, March 13, 2006
Past few days have been pretty decent and I can honestly say that I'm pretty happy at the moment.
On Friday I had another job interview at Borders in Manchester. I think it went very well. They guy seemed pretty happy with me and he said he was going to contact my references, and call Borders Express and talk to them about me, and if everything checks out, he's going to call me back for a second interview with another manager. Yeah, they do have a very weird hiring process...seeing that I'm only going to be working in the cafe' if I get hired...which won't be too bad. It's pretty quiet in there. The guy was telling me that they do about half of the business that the Borders in Farmington does. Which is good for me...I mean, I like to be busy, but not insanely busy. The cool part is, Scott just got hired there, so If I did too, we'd be working together ^_^. He said his co-workers are a little on the sketchy side...so we'd probably have to team up and seek refuge. lol.
So, after my interview, I went to the Borders near me to hang out. (cuz I was feelin' good..lol) And I ran into Mike who I worked with at Borders Express. We were talking for a bit, and I told him how my interview went and that they may be getting a phone call from them about me. It was good seeing him again ^_^. I went over Dom's later and we watched Carlos Mencia's DVD- Not for the easily offended. SOOOOO FUNNY!!!!!
Saturday was alright...Just chilled with my mom for a while and went to work...got to work with Susan :-D. Then Dom came over and we chilled and watched Two for the Money. Was pretty good :) the guy in it was hot, so that made it worth it. LOL... But it sucks....Dom is in New York this week. :(. I mean, he definatly deserves a vacation because he just finished school and he's been working his ass off for the longest time. But He Just left today and I miss him soooo much already!!! It's weird how that works. I still can't believe that we've been going out for almost 6 months. Sooo unreal to me.
Sunday ruled. lol. It ruled sooo much. Sunday me and Lauren went to New Haven to see RENT. (The play) It was soooo freakin' good. The guy who played Roger was hot. lol. And So was the guy who played Mark. It was pandamoniom in New Haven though.... Aparently St. Patrick's day is a big deal down there...theres a parade and there was TONS of people EVERYWHERE. Drinkin' and boozing. lol. Wow, it was crazy. There were cops chasing everyone and all that. sheesh. lol, couldn't pay me to go back there. But it was interesting though...lol We met some of the actors afterwords and I got them to sign my program. ^_^
Today has been a pretty productive day so far...I paid some bills, filled up my car w/ gas, and went to Babys R Us to get Mel (my step-bro's wife) a baby shower gift. I got a onesie w/ little pirates on it. lol, and a bib to match, and three little pairs of sockies. lol ^_^. So yeah, been a very productive day...just gatta do some freakin' laundry. I have TONS of laundry piled up. lol, I don't think I've ever had this much in my history. LOL. Oh well... Got work later. That sucks. But then I'm off till Saturday. Yeah, I gatta keep busy...
Dom said he may be joining Bally's!! That'd be awesome if we could go to the gym together...good thing for us to do that doesn't cost any money. :).
Tomorrow is Denise's birthday! No idea what we're doing yet...my dad said something about going out for dinner. That's probably what we'll do.
I gatta think of something to get Dom for his birthday....AH! any ideas?!?!? lol His birthday isn't untill April 28th, but I wanna start getting ideas!!! lol
And now for my final thought. :
I was there!
;-)
posted by Lauren 3/13/2006 02:09:00 PM
Wednesday, March 08, 2006
Another pretty boring day in the ol' world of Lauren... Been working less and less lately..which is good..but also bad. Cuz I'm bored all the time with no money. not a good combination if you ask me. lol
But, I think now that the weather is getting nicer I'm gonna start going out more. Today I made my first step...I went up to the center and walked around for a bit. I really love it there. So awesome. I can't wait untill they finish blue back square. Then it'll be really cool :). So yeah, I went to starbucks and used the rest of the gift card that Dom gave me and got a Chai, then I went to Bennett's and poked around for a while cuz I love that store. Then went over to CVS and picked up the new American Idol magazine. :) The only thing I regret not doing is going into LaSalle and looking at the guitars. lol ^_^.
I haven't heard anything from Kinko's yet...or any other place I've applied for a job. *Sigh*
A news flash....I'm getting DSL soon! :) I think I'm gonna sign up and whatever like tomorrow and get going on it. I'm sick on AOL, and the price of it is going up to like 25 bucks. Yeah, so not worth it for shit internet. So, I'm canning it and moving up to DSL. Should have done it a long time ago, but thats another story.
As you can see, I still haven't put up a new layout...lol. But I'm waiting to get my PaintShop Pro software from Dom.... :-D
Speaking of Dom...(Seeing that I've mentioned him alot in this entry already....) The 24th of this month will be our Six-month Anniverary. Holy Crap. lol, It's gone by so fast. But I guess time flies when you're having fun ^_^. And I've definatly been having fun. I never thought I would ever be in a relationship like this..After everything I've been through in terms of that, I'm really surprised. I'm glad I didn't give up totally after everything that happend w/ Greg. I might not be where I am today if I gave up then and there. Dom really does make me happy. I can't belive we've been going out for almost six months...But I'm happy its been that long and with any amount of luck, they'll be many many many many many MANY more months ahead :)
The only thing that sucks is Cat. She keeps trying to get me to tell her shit about me and Dom and I can't fucking stand it. Half of the time she comes back with rude remarks. Like on Sunday when I worked with her, that morning she asked me if I saw him the day before. I said "no", because I hadn't. Then later on she asked me if I was seeing him that night. I said "no" because I didn't think we were. (and we did end up going to the movies that night) And she said "You guys don't see each other much...thats really sad". I was sooooo angry. Just because we don't see each other every day, doesn't mean thats really sad, or theres something wrong with that. Its not just Cat too...Its everyone. Everyone is all up in my business about everything. Some people I don't mind asking me stuff. Like Tina and Sarah I don't mind. But Cat I definatly mind. Just because she tries to be my sister and shit. Im fucking sick of it. There was another time a while ago when she was having problems w/ her boyfriend and she said to me "boys are so stupid...you should just dump him right now". WTF kind of a comment is that?!? Just because she's in a miserable relatioship doesn't mean that I have to dump my boyfriend. I think she realized that was hardly appropriate tho. You don't tell someone to dump their boyfriend just because you're having problems with yours.
anywhoo...
American Idol has been getting better and better. And this year I can honestly say that theres two girl singers that Im actually a fan of: Paris, and Mandisa. They're both extremely good. For the Guys I like: Chris, Taylor, and Ace. ^_^. In the magazine theres a huge article about Constantine from last year...thats the main reason why I got it. lol :-P.
In other news, I watched Chocolat last night. Very good movie :). Love Johnny Depp in it. lol. Memento was also a good movie...although one part was confusing to me. but oh well. lol
Wow...this ir probably the longest entry I've written in a while....So...I'm gonna end it. lol, later all!
posted by Lauren 3/08/2006 06:41:00 PM
Monday, March 06, 2006
Dang, its amazing how time flies. Been a while since I've updated.
Let's see, where should I begin?...oh yes. Well, some good news and bad news. On Friday I had a job interview...at FedEx Kinko's in Glastonbury. I can't really put my finger on how it went. I really couldn't tell you. From my point of view, I think it went alright, but I definatly blew it at times. I swear, I fucking hate interviews. I always fucking choke on them. I got really lucky...when I got my job, my interview was stupid because thats how Cat is. And Borders they just hired me without an interview. I don't know how I'm ever going to get a job if I can't learn to have a good interview. I highly doubt I'll get the job. The guy gave me the ussual speech about how he has a lot of people to interview and he'll call me in a week. Whatever. He isn't gonna call me. I'm praying that he does, but he wont. It sucks that in these high preassure situations I can't really act like myself. I really tried too. I dressed up nice...Which I don't know if he liked it or not...but he kept looking at my shirt. I wasn't wearing a tacky shirt...I dunno. It was light blue with some dark blue flowers on it...Kinda asian looking. I tried to think of things that would impress him, but I think I just choked even more by doing that. UGH.yeah. Well, I guess I just gatta keep looking. Lucky for Scott...he actually just recently got a job at Borders.
Damn it. Why do I have to fucking suck at life?
Work has sucked more then ever. Since Thursday I've been trying to get the frames done meaning I'm re-organizing them. And believe me, Its not an easy task. But I ahven't been able to fucking finish. I was going to finish it yesterday but Cat was in the back. I actually kept a reccord yesterday. She was not working for a total of 132 minutes. It would have been longer then that, but I did have to go in the back and tell her to come out again and interrupt her "incredibly important phone call" because I had to do a gift wrapping and there were customers waiting to be rung out, and people looking at invitations who had questions that I couldn't answer. I need a new fucking job.
But anywhoo....Me and Dom went to the movies last night..and saw 16 Blocks. It was pretty good actually. I had never heard of it before last night. After that I came home and went online and watched some Family Guy. But I started Dozing off durring Family guy so I turned it off. lol.
I'm so sick of certain people lately. I haven't talked to Jeannette in probably six months and I IM her the other night and she blew me off like dust on her desk. Whatever. Wayne is another one. Havn't talked to him in a wicked long time..Every time I IM him he doesn't answer. Fine, screw you all.
Tomorrow I'm going to have breakfast with Rick. I'm really debating on wether or not I should talk to him about my recent idea to swith to the more agnostic side of religion. I really don't know if I believe any of it anymore. I'm so confused. It could be because of my long absence from Church. I really don't know. But All I do know is my faith is slowly slipping away. Its all such garbage to me now. I don't know if I should tell Rick or not....I think I won't. Just because Im not sure if I could handle the looks on his face. *sigh* Some lady came in my store the other day and was telling us this really amazing story. It was sort of like a guardian angel sort of story. I wish something like that would happen to me.
Alrighty. enough of this crap. im outta here.
posted by Lauren 3/06/2006 11:34:00 AM
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